fragments

(This is absolutly nonknitting, so if you're looking for knitting content you might want to move along.)

i am in a state of confusion & worry & hurt & sadness.

i put on a laughing brave face to those around me but in those quiet alone times (more of those than i want) i feel like screaming, kicking, crying.

distractions only work for so long. then it's back to my thoughts, dark thoughts, sad thoughts, worried thoughts.

i feel like i keep finding myself dancing on the edge of something great so many times in my life only to have it snatched out from under me at the last moment.

i want to believe if i'm patient enough, brave enough, assertive enough, i'll find that happiness i've been searching for.

but i'm scared (of being happy? of being disappointed? i don't know) & fear makes me either close up inside of myself or act out in ways i never would before.

past hurts seem to affect all parts of my life & the lives of others. when do we get away from them? do we ever?

or will our lives always be molded by that life altering hurt that we return to again & again?

in some cases literaly.

one phone call. that's all it took.