I made a conscious decision earlier this year to open up. I spent most of the past year closed off in my own world, afraid to give myself to anyone, romantically or not. I've been hurt (haven't we all) and most all I didn't trust many people. So I hid in books, movies, myself. But I was not happy. So hey, I want to live again.
So I did.
And then the two people I probably opened up to the most in the past few months...well it turns out I was wrong.
I'm not trying to whine & boohoo myself - lord knows I spent enough time feeling sorry for myself. I'm just trying to figure out what the hell happened.
It isn't that these individuals lied to me...well not that I know of anyway...more than they held important things back about our relationships. And I have to wonder why. It hurts. I'm pretty ballsy - I have a tendency to say things straight out, especially to these two. So is that my problem? Is that a betrayal of trust, omitting? I would rather feel the pain of the truth than wonder of what the hell is going on. Several important relationships were ruined because the person felt that telling me the truth would hurt me.
And yeah, it does but I get over that. It's the wondering that kills me. Please, I have an imagination. I can imagine way worse things that what actually is going on. And at least with the truth I can be sad for awhile, but then get over it.
And I think I'm upset because now I'm having a hard time trusting myself & my instincts. In both cases, I felt, in my heart, that these were people who would never lie to me (both said so to my face) or omit important truths. Or hurt me. And not trusting myself (again!) is what's making me sad. Really sad. More than the loss of these seemingly great friendships.
Am I too sensitive? Do I ask too much? Do I think about this too much? (Yes, I don't think so, Probably)
Now I have the chance of something that could be a good friendship or more. Do I trust myself & dive in with both feet? Does it have to be one or the other?
Maybe that's my "problem". But I don't feel like it is. A problem. But maybe that's what's wrong. I'm stuck in a loop - I open up, get hurt, crawl back into myself, don't open up, tire of it, try again.
Or do I keep feeling like Ani in "dilate" and "realize I'm better off alone"?
I hope not. I'm tired of being lonely.